With the exception of my weight-gain confession, this post is probably one of the hardest I’ve ever tried to write. But since I made a promise to share more about things that matter to me, I knew I’d eventually have to talk about my struggles with self-sabotage and selling myself short…out loud.
I like to think of myself as a pragmatic person. I’m definitely not an eternal optimist but I don’t spend my life having pessimistic thoughts either. As such, I’m usually very self-aware. I know my strengths and weaknesses are and usually I’m able to play up the former while working around the latter.
However, I developed a nasty habit of self-sabotage during my first year of university. And for a couple years, I did my best to avoid thinking about the fact that it was an issue I needed to address.
What is self-sabotage?
I’m not a psychologist so I can’t give you the textbook answer but I think of self-sabotage as anything that I do to consciously or subconsciously interfere with my goals. For me, it manifests itself as eternal procrastination but for others it may take the form of comfort eating, self-harm, self-medication and the like.
Why I sabotaged myself
In secondary school I was used to being smart and my love for school was a huge part of my identity. I excelled in school even without trying and that made me work even harder to be as good as I could possibly be.
So coming to university and realising that I was just one of many and not especially smart in comparison to the others was a shock that I obviously didn’t handle well. I stopped trying as hard and did just enough to skate by for the first few years.
It wasn’t until I faced the very real possibility of failing my first course ever that I really stopped and took note of what I was doing to myself and my future. And once I recognised the pattern of self-sabotage I started asking myself ‘why’.
What I found was both the biggest cliche and the sad reality for a lot of us.
Low self-esteem.
I was literally selling myself short and sabotaging my dreams because I didn’t think I was good enough.
I had it in my mind that no matter how hard I tried, I’d never succeed so why should I bother trying? Having low expectations is better than having high ones you’ll never meet, right?
Objectively, I know that’s a load of bull. Working towards hopes, dreams and expectations is what keeps many of us going. But that pattern of self-sabotage and selling myself short was so hard to break.
Even though I eventually started working hard and applying myself to my studies again, the rest of my life isn’t always safe from self-sabotage.
I see it when I skip entire weeks of posting for no reason at all. Or when I apply for shit jobs because I don’t think I’ll get the ones I really want. Or when I’m afraid to say yes to trying new things. Or when I stop going to the gym and laze around all day instead.
It’s a daily fight to keep showing up and giving my all when there’s a voice in the back of my mind telling me I’m not good enough for all the success I want in life.
But you know what? It’s a fight I don’t intend to give up.
Because regardless of what the voices in my head say, I am 100% worth it. We all are.
I deserved to study hard and graduate with an honours degree. I deserve to apply to and get a good job in my field. I deserve to work hard and succeed at being a successful blogger. I deserve to eat right and treat my body well.
And I wouldn’t stand for anyone else saying otherwise. So why should I allow myself to do it?
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- Are you guilty of self-sabotage?
- How do you deal with it?
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Our minds can be the biggest enemy in the journeys that we’re on, and the more I’ve realized that I can do things for the glory of God and not constantly be worried about things that I’m doing the less I’m sabotaging myself.
I’m so glad that you are talking to yourself constantly, because we have to constantly discipline our minds, or they go crazy. O_O Or mine does, at least. 😀
Emily Swanson recently posted…TOLT: Cereal, Fireworks, Stress, and Food Guilt
It takes real work listening for your words, appologies, offering to take things on, etc. As a woman and a woman of color you have to work 40 times harder than I in my privileged White world.
I admire you.
What’s “god” got to do with this?
Good grief.
Thank you so much for your openness and honesty Giselle. I have definitely struggled with this too, and had similar feelings going from high school to college. Self awareness is so key. You are always worth it <3
Les @ The Balanced Berry recently posted…July 2016 Goals
Self-sabotage is definitely something I’ve struggled with to varying degrees throughout my life. It was really, really bad in my mid teens to early twenties, and while it’s gotten noticeably better as I’ve gotten older, I still sell myself short a lot of the time and probably don’t work as hard as I could because I don’t think I deserve something. So while I don’t necessarily have a fix for it, I can definitely tell you that you’re not alone.
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted…you need this, co-washing update, and my therapy (ToL#190)
i fee like life is a constant battle of trying to work through our self esteem issues – even when we get past one hurdle, another one is coming up far in the distance. University is the worst for it because there are soo many intelligent people with great ideas and skills and intellect, that it can be super frustrating for everyone. i’ve definitely dealt with my fair share of mental self sabotage, but always work through it by realising everything that i have achieved so far + obviously talking it over with good friends.
Beverley @ Born to Sweat recently posted…Huffington Post Stair Workout + Athleta Photoshoot
Ooh yes can definitely relate to this post! Although sometimes I wonder if it’s more laziness than self sabotage lol. But truthfully that laziness probably comes down to self sabotage. I think being part of the blog world can make things even more difficult because some bloggers make it look like being accomplished (not just at blogging, but in all aspects of life) is so easy. Which feeds that cycle of self sabotage.
Man, now you’ve really got me thinking!
Chelsea’s Healthy Kitchen recently posted…Dairy Free Chocolate Tofu Pudding